Devils
by twiceborn-witchlighter
Summary: [Tumblr RP w/ rebelliouscupid. Charmed Legacy verse. Crack.] Chris gets roped into his cousin Parker's latest insane idea: seducing a priest just to see how much trouble they can get into. There's no way this is going to end well for either of them. {Rated M for themes.}


**Notes:** Originally a Tumblr RP thread with rebelliouscupid (who writes Parker Halliwell), set in our respective changed future verses (and therefore featuring our personal headcanons for both Chris and Parker). It's... cracky. Very very cracky. Our sincere apologies to anyone who is of the Catholic faith and is potentially offended. These two muses are absolutely ridiculous.

Title comes from the Inkubus Sukkubus song of the same name. (Actually, that song _is_ rather appropriate, considering... _everything_ Chris and Parker get up to in this fic.)

* * *

"On a scale of one to ten, how much trouble would I get in if I seduced a priest?" Parker asked.

Thankfully there wasn't much chance of them being overheard, but still, Chris couldn't help giving his half-Cupid cousin an incredulous look. "How should I know? But if I had to guess… ten." He shrugged a second later, smirked. "Go for it—you take one, I take another." Just to see if he could get away with it, of course. "And in case you hadn't noticed, Parker, we're _witches_. So should this scale have an 'eternal damnation' level where a priest is concerned or not?"

"Because you know everything. And since when do you _try_ to get laid? You're like the poster boy of celibacy and sex sucks club." Parker smacked his arm as she said sarcastically, "No, Chris, I've completely missed the part where I can move shit with my mind and see the future. I had absolutely no idea. And we need to actually make a scale, it needs to be a thing. Where would demons fall on the scale?"

"I'm not _completely_ asexual and sex-repulsed," Chris pointed out. "And that wasn't exactly what I meant—you know Christians have that whole 'thou shall not suffer a witch to live' thing and Catholic priests aren't supposed to—" He waved a hand vaguely. "Anyway. Demons…" His head tilted to the side thoughtfully as he considered her question. "'Damnation', probably, I don't know—I'm not even Catholic, let alone Christian, and you _know_ that."

Chris stopped, looked over at his cousin. "As for your first question… I just want to see if I can and get away with it." One shoulder lifted in a half-shrug; he grinned a little. "They'd probably view me as more of a 'forbidden fruit' or whatever it is than you, Parker, sorry."

"You might as well be. Honestly, whenever I even _mention_ sex, you get all weirded out. Is it cause I had sex in your car? Wait, no, I didn't, you weren't supposed to know that, forget I said anything." Giving him a weak smile, she quickly added, "Probably, since the whole 'demons have no souls' thing."

Crossing her arms, she demanded, "Since when do you do irresponsible shit just to see if you can? You complain when I do that, but you're cool with it? _Ass_." Pausing, she raised one eyebrow as she said, "I'd complain about that, but I'm caught on the fact that you just called me a forbidden fruit. What the fuck?"

"Hey, it's not my terminology, it's theirs," Chris said with another half-shrug. "Something about a myth with an apple or whatever being taken from a tree of 'forbidden knowledge' and 'temptation'—I don't really know the specifics. And I know the irresponsible shtick is more your thing, but I'm always up for annoying certain members of a particular organized religion."

Then he realized what she said earlier and he frowned, glared at her with narrowed eyes. "Wait. Back up. You had sex in my _car_?" On second thought, he _really_ didn't want to know but it was too late to take it back now.

"You still called me a forbidden fruit. And I don't think even they call people forbidden fruit." Pausing, she tilted her head as she said, "I probably should complain about you only hanging out with me when you want to annoy someone, but later."

She should probably _try_ to look contrite. She didn't. "Yes. And for full disclosure, frequently. You should pay better attention to your keys. Turns out that sex in the front seat is a lot more fun than in the back, but it's a bitch on your back. But, hey, Jamie Bell was an awesome lay, so."

"Technically, I called _both_ of us a forbidden fruit, and anyway it's a metaphor."

Chris made a face a second later. "I _really_ didn't need to know that, Parker. Besides, you're one to talk since you're always saying you don't need to know all the details about my sex life." Such as it was, anyway. In any case, he decided he was going to put protection runes and spells on his car the first chance he got so she _wouldn't_ be able to do _that_ again.

He scoffed after a short pause. "Back to the subject. How were you planning on getting close enough to a priest to seduce him? A confession?"

"It's a _ridiculous_ metaphor," she couldn't help but add.

"And you asked, so I don't know what you were expecting. And I didn't tell you all the details, but I will if you want, since you're going on about _all_ the details. Like exactly how many guys I screwed in your car." She was getting way too much enjoyment out of this. Pausing at his question, she tilted her head as she repeated, "A confession? What the hell does confessing have to do with seducing a priest?"

Chris sighed. "You've never seen a movie where one of the characters is in a Catholic church, have you? There's a booth, private, it's just you and the priest so you can confess your 'sins' and it's confidential. So we could just…" He let his voice trail off on that, shrugged again. "Actually, no, I'm not going to say it because I'm sure you have some ideas already."

"Not really. That seems weird. And nope, I wanna hear what you were going to sayyyy," Parker whined. Poking his side repeatedly, she continued, "Tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Goddess." Chris sighed, smacked Parker's hand away. "Okay, fine! I _was_ going to say 'talk dirty' but knowing you you'd just go straight for removing your clothes."

"Well,, _yeah_ ," Parker said. "I'm hot as fuck. Why wouldn't that work? I mean, yeah, you wouldn't, cause you're a prude, but it's not like I am. 'sides, I could double as a stripper for money if I wanted to, so why wouldn't that work?"

Chris just gave her a _look_ , the irony not lost on him. "Funny you should say that, considering that's how I worked my way through school. Anyway," he added after a moment, "it would probably be best if you went for something just a little bit more _subtle_ , don't you think?"

"Wait, _what_? You were a stripper through college?" Parker demanded, "Explanation! Now! Or else I'll rat you out to Aunt Piper and Uncle Leo that you were apparently taking your clothes off for cash. You don't get to drop _that_ and then change the subject!" Pausing, she added, "And I'm not a subtle person. So, not really."

"At a club in L.A., yeah," he said with a shrug. "I had to earn money to pay for tuition _somehow_ , Parker."

"So your idea for tuition was to strip for money?" Parker asked, raising one eyebrow. "Wouldn't it have been easier to just get a job at the club or the restaurant? Well, at least I have an idea on how to pay for tuition if I ever decide to go to college."

"Yes, and I was living on campus or in L.A. Didn't really feel like staying home in the manor or even somewhere else in San Francisco—I just needed to get away for a while. Besides, it's a seven-hour drive by car and I couldn't exactly raise anyone's suspicions or have anyone asking questions about how I was still able to be a full-time student and have a job back home seven hours away. And anyway… I figured I might as well just use our family's good genetics to my advantage."

He eyed her dubiously at her comment. "Parker, _no_." Chris raked a hand through his hair. "Can we get back to this _insane_ plan that's probably going to get us grounded for life if we're ever found out, please?"

"Get away? Why?" Parker asked. Narrowing her eyes, she fired back, "Parker, _yes_. And nope, you don't get to drop that and then change the subject. Besides, we're both legal, so I don't think we can get grounded, c'mon."

"Das ist nicht dein Bier," he muttered, then rolled his eyes. "Parker, I don't think _that's_ going to stop Mom or Phoebe, do you?"

"Don't know what that means. And answer the question, why'd you want to get away?" Parker asked, a hint of concern in her voice. "Did something happen? Because it's not like you'd _tell_ anyone if something bad happened. And I think that being as we can both teleport with just a thought, grounding would be stupid. It's not like it worked when I was _actually_ under eighteen, so I don't think Mom or Aunt Piper would think it would now."

"That wouldn't stop them from _trying_ ," Chris pointed out. "And no, nothing happened. I just needed to get away from everything with the Elders and what was happening at home, not to mention all sorts of other witches fawning over the Twice-Blessed. Not that it's any of your business."

"Sorry, you're right." Hesitating for a moment, she asked, "You know that you're my favorite cousin, right? And that if you need something, I'm here, right? Cause I know that it's not like any of us are _good_ at leaving you alone when you want to be left alone or being there when we should be, but, uh, yeah."

Biting her lip, she shook her head as she said, "So, anyways, your idea is to what, exactly? Chat up a priest in a confessional thing-y until he wants to take his clothes off?"

"Yeah, Parker, I know."

At her second remark, he raised an eyebrow as she shook her head. "Well, more or less, among other things. And if it's phrased the right way…" Chris half-shrugged.

"My idea sounds better," she couldn't resist saying. "But, fine, assuming your way works, what the hell do you say? Phrase it _how_?"

"No. No, I am not letting you drag me into that _now_." Chris rolled his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. "You know what, forget it. Let's just go and get it over with and _then_ get in trouble later, all right?"

"Why are you so certain that we'll get in trouble?" Parker asked, pouting. "My ideas don't _always_ end with us in trouble! You could be just a _little_ optimistic."

"Because your ideas don't turn out well for the rest of us, that's why. And it's Piper and Phoebe—I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't find out _somehow_."

"Okay, that's just rude. They don't always backfire." Pausing, she said, "Okay, you have a point there, but, still, be a little less 'we're gonna die' please."

"All right, all right. And I never said we were going to _die_ , just that if this doesn't get us in trouble with the Catholic Church then it definitely will at home. And for the record, if anything goes wrong, I'm blaming you."

* * *

 **Translation note:** "Das ist nicht dein Bier" literally: "that is not your beer"; figuratively/idiomatically means "that's none of your business"


End file.
